Things I Did Not Plan
- I did not plan on suddenly having to change all of my plans. I was very unprepared when I found out that I was pregnant. I never thought that I’d end up in this situation. I thought I’d spend the next however many years of my life worrying about no one but myself. I now put myself last always. I think it’s really difficult for anyone to transition from being alone and only worrying about themselves to having to put a whole other life ahead of their own, but the love that I have for Noah makes that all so easy and I don’t have to think twice before I need to do something for him and give up doing something for myself.
- I did not plan on getting pregnant this young. I was very scared of the way that my peers would treat me because I was going to be a mother at sixteen. I was also scared because I did not know how I was going to provide for this baby if I cannot even provide for myself. When I found out that I was pregnant I had just lost my best friend and was going through a disarray of things with my own family. I was not in a good place with God. I was hurting from Noah’s father’s reaction to the situation. I had someone tell me anonymously on one of those ridiculous websites (I have since then gotten rid of the account) a while back that I seemed like I was glamorizing teen pregnancy since I was so proud of myself and that I meant to get pregnant. I assume they came to this thought because of the attitude that I am able to have about my situation. In no way do I try and make it seem like I am proud to be a teen parent because I am not proud. What I am proud of is the fact that I am not going to become a statistic and that I have managed to prove so many people wrong with the way that I have changed my life for Noah and I. I do not plan on falling into poverty. I do not plan on going back to my old ways. Getting pregnant at sixteen was not an achievement. Coming to know Christ, getting into Penn State, getting my scholarship, and, graduating high school are achievements that I have managed to accomplish due to the strength that such a tough situation has deemed me with.
- I did not plan on being a single parent. I grew up watching My mom raise all of us as a single parent. I knew I didn’t want to live that life and told myself that my first child would be to someone that I loved and would be with forever. It breaks my heart that Noah does not have that biological father/son relationship. I have learned to put myself in his father's shoes and tell myself that being a parent at the tender age of nineteen is no one’s wish and that having a baby and being a parent is a difficult thing to do regardless of your age. When I do this I can understand him and do without a doubt respect him for giving me more than my father gave My mother which was no explanation. Even without his father Noah was brought into this world on so many "ounces" of love. God has blessed me abundantly with so many men and guys in Noah’s life that already love him unconditionally. I find comfort in reminding myself that He is a father to the fatherless. Matthew 23:9 And call no man your father on earth, for you have one Father, who is in heaven. John Paul, Noah’s Godfather has made it clear to me on many occasions that he wants to be in Noah’s life and be there for him. I do not think I can begin to thank him for the way that he has loved Noah. I thank all of the guys at Grace that have accepted him and loved him
- I did not plan on an unplanned pregnancy changing my life for the better. When I found out that I was pregnant within the first few minutes I remember saying out loud repeatedly “My life is over!”. Noah has positively impacted my life so much. It is truly incredible. Through my pregnancy I met Kim who brought me to know Christ. Ended up at Grace Prep. I met my best friend Emma. Anne became another mother to me. I dedicated my life to Christ and was baptized last summer. I knew that to make a good life for Noah that I’d have to continue my education. I didn’t want to go anywhere other than Penn State so that was the only place I applied and I got in. I could go on and on but Noah really has changed my life so much and made me more wise and an all around better person. I owe it all to God although there is no way I could ever repay him.
- I did not plan on being blessed with Jim and Shannon. Jim and Shannon came into my life at one of my most desperate times. I was alone and needed a home. I needed someone to accept me and I needed security. I also needed God and being in a home where God is the main focus of every everyday situation was really important in my decision to eventually accept Christ as my Lord and Savior. I’m not sure what I would do without them. There will never be words that can amount to the nourishment and restoration that they have brought to my life. It is truly amazing. They have healed me and been there for me in many tough situations. From leaving behind friends that were bad influences to overcoming addiction. I respect and love them so much and I don’t think they know how much they mean to me. They provide for Noah and I in many ways and if we didn’t have that I really don’t know what I’d do. They want what’s best for Noah and I, they want to see me succeed and be better than I think I believe I can be. There are times when I was slacking in school and Jim would push me and give me talks like I’d never had before. I’ve never had a male figure like Jim in my life. Since I never had that support from a father figure I remember wanting to just cut him out and tell myself that whatever he says doesn’t matter because he didn’t actually even care. Now I thank him for pushing me and wanting what’s best for me. It was also very different for me to become part of a family of a man and a women that really love each other, talk things out, pray together, and so much more. I think it is really good for me to see on a daily basis what marriage based around Christ should look like. I love Jim and Shannon and I thank them for loving me.
- I did not plan on coming to Grace Prep. Grace Prep has positively impacted my life in so many ways. I have a giant support system of people whom I can call family. I am so blessed to have been able come to Grace. I have never been able to share the pain that is really on my heart ever in my life and when I came to Grace Prep I did not think that I was ready to do that. Since then I have been able to share comfortably with the people that love me there. I have made friends that I will have for forever. I have had opportunities that I would not have had otherwise. I have memories that will last forever. I have been accepted instead of judged. I have been loved. I am so happy that I came to Grace Prep when I did because all of the amazing people that have come into my life because of Grace have been able to walk by my side every step of the way as a mom. I am extremely blessed to be part of something so amazing and so special. I look forward to being done with high school but I do not look forward to leaving my family.
- I did not plan on changing my view on sex. Before I met my best friends and came to Grace I never really knew what God’s plan for sex was. God compares sex to the love that Christ had for the church which is amazing to me. I was so sexually broken before I started to realize the truth. I am thankful that I was forgiven for the sins that I committed in the past. I am thankful that now I know the truth and that I am committed to living a life of purity. I am thankful for the way that Dannah is dedicated to educating girls on this subject. She has definitely taught me so much and I can say that she has very big part in my decision. I just finished reading “And the Bride Wore White” and it was such an amazing experience to read that book and now everything that I read is now on my heart and enclosed in my head. I look back and question myself on how I had the mind set on sex that I did
- I did not plan on loving anyone ever as unconditional as I love Noah. The love that I have for Noah cannot be explained in any language. A Letter I wrote to Noah: December 31, 2014 Noah, Before you were born I imagined you in my dreams and pictured just how beautiful you’d be. I didn’t quite know whether you’d be a girl or boy for sure but I had a feeling that in fact you would be a boy. When I held you for the first time it was a feeling like no other feeling I’d ever felt before. You felt as though you were right where you were supposed to be. On my breast, holding you close. You’ve seldom left since. You are my baby boy. I never knew how much i’d enjoy being a mother. I never knew I could love someone like this. I love you beyond what any words in any language can explain. I’ve loved spending everyday that I have with you Noah all 209 days since your birth have been amazing and I swear I learn something new from you everyday! You are amazing to me. From your first second and third month birthdays to my birthday, thanksgiving and christmas. you have done nothing but bless me abundantly! I cannot wait until your 1st birthday (I actually can that’s not true). I cannot your little voice can say “I love you mommy.” Your sweet little raspy baby talk is so much more to me than noise. I love you.
- I did not plan to lose friends and gain 10x as many. When I found out that I was pregnant I lost friends that didn't want to be involved with me because of my situation. I never really knew why I lost these people. I think they were embarrassed or didn't want to waist time on me if I was no longer going to be able to party with them. I don't know but it doesn't matter to me anymore because I have gained an incredible amount of people that love me. My support group is so plentiful. Full of people that I can call on if I every need anyone to talk to. I love these people and am so thankful for all of them God has been so good to me in giving me the support group that I do. It really is amazing.
- I did not plan on finding comfort in being a young parent. I thought that it was going to take me forever to cope with the fact that I was no longer going to live my life as a normal teen. I have had to give up so many things. Dances, girls sleepovers, white water rafting at Extreme Grace I, Air school, Senior Trip. and I am finally coming to terms and starting to accept this. It may not seem like much of a big deal but I definitely find comfort in knowing that I am choosing what is right for Noah by being a mom and caring for him instead of choosing what I want to do by having fun.